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EFFECTIVE: Immediately


NEW OFFICE POLICY


Dress Code:
-You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
(1) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

(2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

(3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look
healthy.


- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their
average figure.


- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slimast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management